Dear Amy, I am a man in my mid-60s and have been married to my second wife for 35 years.
We have two children, both grown up and independent.
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years. She is an alcoholic and is often very mean to me. Life is miserable.
Before this marriage, I was married for two years to my childhood sweetheart and soul mate. We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage until one day she announced to me that she didn’t want to be married anymore. She refused to tell me why or to seek counseling.
I was devastated. I spent the next year trying to win her back. Later I found out that she was having an affair with a co-worker, whom she eventually married.
My dilemma is that I can’t get my first wife out of my head and heart. We haven’t had contact for over 35 years, but she is always on my mind.
I know she felt like she made a big mistake by ending our marriage, but I don’t know what to do with my feelings now.
I have made vows that I will keep no matter how unhappy I am, so I can’t leave my wife. I can’t go to counseling because I think it would break my wife’s heart if she knew how I felt, and I’ve never spoken to anyone about it.
I always imagined living to old age with my soul mate and having a long, happy marriage.
Now I will spend my twilight years with a bitter alcoholic, with no chance of intimacy.
I do not know what to do.
– Lonely and miserable
Dear lonely and unhappy people: Let’s see: You cannot change your current unhappy situation because you have obviously sworn all your life to remain unhappy no matter what happens – and this oath also includes refusing to seek help.
I hope you understand that when you have one-on-one counseling, what happens in the room is completely confidential. You do not have to tell your wife anything you tell your therapist.
In therapy you can reveal your persistent longings.
My theory is that your longing reveals your desire for escape; your ex-wife is a placeholder for everything you feel you sacrificed.
Attending Al-Anon meetings (virtual or in person) will help you clarify your intentions and options. By communicating with others whose lives have been affected by alcoholism, you will feel less alone and, I hope, much less miserable.
Dear Amy, I am 64, a widow and live in my own home.
My sister is finally getting a divorce after 30 years of a terrible marriage. She has a 21-year-old daughter.
She will move in with me while she plans her next steps in life.
We lived together when we were younger and got along very well.
My concern is for my niece, who will come with her. She is a good person – smart and clever.
She works, and both my sister and I work full time during the day.
In the past, friends of my niece stayed with them and slept in their bedroom.
Also, there seems to be an open door policy as far as friends coming and going. My sister said she never knows who is coming by and they come at all hours of the day and night.
I want both of them to feel comfortable here during this transition period. But I’m not happy with the open door policy. What would be the best way to approach this?
– Excited but nervous
Dear Excited: You should be completely honest with both women before they move in. Tell your niece that you are extremely uncomfortable with overnight guests in your home and that you will therefore refuse them. Ask her to describe how she usually hosts friends, and if you want guests to leave before 11 p.m., you should say so.
If you take care of it early, you can avoid problems and hassle later.
Dear Amy, now that you are leaving your desk, I can finally ask you a question that has been on my mind for a long time. I wonder how you are coping with the burden of hearing so many sad stories?
– Wondering Reader
Dear Wunderer: My own childhood (difficult but happy) taught me empathy. My adult life (difficult but very happy) taught me compassion. I feel honored that people who have suffered so much are sharing their stories openly. They are much braver than I am.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.)
