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I once ended a seven-year relationship that turned everything I knew upside down: I quit my job, left New York, and threw myself into therapy. Later, I found myself in a situational relationship and head over heels in love. I really liked him. For several weeks, we went on back-to-back, hour-long dates. He drove out of town for a retreat, and I waited at home, excited and agitated, until the next time we could meet. When he returned, he called to break up.

Our last conversation was brief and friendly – he was dating someone else and wanted to get to know her better. Plus, we didn’t live in the same city and I was just getting out of a relationship, so it seemed reasonable. We wished each other well and never spoke again. Even though I barely knew him, I was surprised by how much the pain of the situation hit me. For a long time, I struggled to get over the fact that he didn’t choose me. Compared to getting over my long-term ex, this seemed harder to grieve.

Turns out I’m not alone. The general agony of situationships has taken over TikTok, and many people are discussing why they’re often harder to get over than long-term relationships. Let’s explore why getting over situations can be difficult, and how you can find closure.

The difference between a relationship and a situationship

A relationship usually involves a defined commitment with exclusivity, clear communication, long-term planning and mutual effort. A lot of work has been put into building trust, vulnerability and accountability. You discuss your future openly, creating a generous sense of support and security.

Because the boundaries are so blurred, situational relationships are often spontaneous, ambiguous, and undefined. There is haphazard communication, little emotional responsibility, and likely unmet expectations. At best, you experience the euphoric highs of the honeymoon phase. Every interaction with them feels raw, alive, unpredictable, liberating, and fun. You never know what’s going to happen next. At worst, that’s exactly what it is. You never know what’s going to happen next.

Why the end of a situationship can hurt more than the separation

Of course, the end of a relationship is more painful than the end of a situationship. But what makes a situationship particularly painful is its unpredictability. I went into an affair to have fun and left feeling like I wasn’t good enough.

I have worked with many clients who could not allow themselves to grieve their situation as they did in their long-term relationship. Because of the short duration and limited intimacy, they had a hard time accepting their grief, making emotional release difficult. This stuck energy is, among many other reasons, why ending a situation can be extremely painful.

Here are some more reasons why:

• Separations in a situation can take you by surprise. Relationships often don’t end unexpectedly, and you’re usually aware of lingering problems before either person decides it’s no longer working. When my long-term relationship ended, my sadness was mixed with a heavy sense of relief. The situation had been in the works for some time, so I was able to mourn the breakup long before it happened. With a situationship, the end can come as quickly as it began. It’s hard to prepare for it. The reasons for the breakup can be mysterious, short-lived, and unknown, leaving you with even more unanswered questions and what-ifs.
• You feel like you have no “relationship rights”.” The end of a relationship requires a certain level of caring. You often feel obligated to be honest, caring, and understanding about why you are ending a long-term relationship. In a situationship, however, you may not feel allowed to ask for a final conversation. Because the situationship is undefined, the expectation of caring is not as great, so you have to process what happened privately.
• You may feel isolated in your pain. When you end a relationship with your partner, your friends and family turn to you for support. They take time to dry your tears, answer your calls, and drag you out of the house to keep you company. A situational relationship may feel different. Your friends know what’s going on but may not be aware of the full significance. Or you may not feel comfortable reaching out and have to process your feelings alone.
• You may deny. In a relationship, you have already accepted your deep feelings for your partner, which is the reason you got together in the first place. However, in a situationship, there is often a desire to keep your cool. You may not have communicated your true feelings explicitly. When a situationship ends, you may find it difficult to express the full depth of your grief, as that would require admitting how much this really meant to you. There is then a pause in the grief.
• You don’t know her that well. In a relationship, the walls come down and you can see them clearly for what they are. The breakup can be bittersweet, but the decision shows trust. In a situationship, you may not really know them and project idealistic qualities onto them. Because a situationship is part of an unfinished love story, there is a tendency to put them on a pedestal, making it harder to get over.
• You fantasize about her. A relationship has run its course, often long past the honeymoon phase. A situationship is rich with epic ups and downs, without much movement outside of anxiety. The affair may still be everything because of its short duration and low intimacy, making the premature end seem meaningful. The possibilities aren’t exhausted yet, so you can’t stop thinking and ruminating about them.

How to move on from a breakup

In my opinion, situational relationships and breakups follow a similar process. Regardless of the depth of the feelings you are experiencing, leaving someone you care about can have a profound impact on your heart and well-being. Studies show that experiencing a breakup leads to vulnerability to depression and stress-related coping.

Do what you need to feel better after a breakup. Get support from your loved ones, keep a journal, eat ice cream in bed, cry to get rid of the sadness, Talk to your therapist and accept the grief. Take time to reflect on your breakup, what you learned from your time together, and what you deserve.

When you are able to accept the truth of what you wanted in your situation, you can express the deep sadness you need. Only then can you turn to other parts of your healing, let go of them and what you had hoped for from them, and move on.

Most importantly, give yourself the nonjudgmental grace to grieve your situation. Your feelings are valid and you can take time to process the breakup in the way you need.

Keep in mind

Situationships are known for their casual, no-strings-attached nature. Just because they’re meant to be lighthearted and low-fuss doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when they’re no longer part of your life. If you deny yourself the experience, situationships can feel more painful than they actually are.

Allow yourself to experience your feelings in their full range. Your emotions are a guide that teaches you more about yourself and how to deal with others. When you accept what comes up, you will gain valuable insight into how you want to present yourself in your future relationships.