“Baruch dayan emet,” I thought when I heard the very sad news of Mr. G.’s death. Mr. G. was a friendly man in our community who seemed like a superhuman to me. When I saw him on Friday evenings after the service, he always had a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes that matched his stature. He was a sociable person.
He talked to and about his children and mine, sought me out, and every time he saw me, told me how much he enjoyed my latest column, which he often read before I even had a chance to see it in print. He obviously read it in its entirety, as he always had well-thought-out questions or comments. He was probably the biggest fan of my column.
One Friday evening, I realized that I hadn’t seen Mr. G. in the synagogue for a while. When I subsequently wrote to his son to ask if everything was OK, I learned that he was not well. When I asked if he wanted a visit, I was sadly told how ill he really was. A week later, he died.
Mr. G was a special man and I learned even more about how special he was when I visited his children during shiva. They all felt so blessed to have been with him in his final days and each was very grateful for this unexpected gift of time just before his end.
I was invited on their journey down memory lane with a stack of family photo albums from vacations and other times he spent with his children, grandchildren, and various other family members. What a legacy. During his shiva, I also discovered that not only did he share his thoughts on my column with me, but he also happily shared them with each of his children, along with the many other things he had read during the week. Not only did Mr. G. teach his children well, but others, including myself, learned by observing his actions. We can learn so much from each other if we simply take a little time to “just” notice.
Most of us are too busy or preoccupied with our own lives to truly appreciate the people around us. We may not notice the smiles on people’s faces or even see how they interact with others, let alone be aware of their care. This is true of our children too, and soon we realize that they have grown up and don’t necessarily have the time or desire to be with us like they once did.
As I walked past six different people one recent morning, I noticed that in the short time I was outside, no one looked my way or smiled. They either didn’t notice or looked away. I’m not suggesting we start a conversation, but as someone who grew up in Canada, a smile or a “good morning” would be nice. Knowing that someone else is sharing your walkway, especially if you saw them the day before, would be a nice gesture and would go a long way in these stressful times.
Contrast that with the recent discovery that not only my husband and I greet Isaac, the wonderful man who works so hard and sweeps to keep our neighborhood clean, but Isaac also seems to welcome my customers on our street, because just last week one of them mentioned how incredibly nice he is. When we notice others, it shows that we care. When we show interest in them and reach out to them, it can actually make their day or week. We all need that, especially now in these very difficult times.
Loneliness and connection
LONELINESS continues to be a problem in almost every sector of society. Governments around the world, such as the US and UK, have made tackling loneliness a priority. New York State has even appointed an Ambassador for Loneliness. We can all do our part.
I recently attended a day-long conference for mental health professionals. After COVID, when everything was on hold for so long, and now during wartime when everyone is juggling so much, it was wonderful to see more than 300 therapists so delighted to simply “be” in the presence of others, many of whom they were meeting and chatting with for the first time. You could feel the excitement of people seeking out connection with others, and the rave reviews afterward went far beyond the topic, the presentations, and the food.
Here are a few thoughts.
During these very difficult times, notice how easy it is to look for the bad. With this in mind, it is more important than ever for our well-being and that of others to see and focus on the good. Find out what is most important to you in your life and reclaim it as best you can. This is a great message to discuss and share with your children. Encourage them to see the positive despite the sadness and to reframe the negative. Compassion towards others and connection will help you continue to empower yourself and others.
Focus on what’s important. Don’t confuse little things with big things. Let go of what isn’t really important in your life.
Live each day as if it were your last. Let the people you love know how much you love them. It’s never too late.
Remind yourself that the uncertainty we’re all dealing with right now becomes less of a problem when you focus on the here and now. Even if you’re not happy right now, you may well be “okay.”
We need each other. Smile and extend a hand. It will make someone else’s day, and yours, much better. Look for commonalities and try to ignore your differences. You may be surprised that together and united, we will truly succeed.
The other day I watched a video called Kriat Shema Al Hamita by Kippalive, where fathers sing lullabies to their children. It’s really worth watching. Aside from the beautiful voices and the loving connection between parent and child, what is striking is how well behaved all these young children are. Do you notice the good in your children and grandchildren, or do you only notice it when they misbehave? Do they misbehave because that’s when adults give them the most attention? It’s so easy to catch them doing something bad, but are they also noticed when they do something good?
The more “good” you notice in your child – or your partner – the more good they will try. We all value being appreciated. If you catch people doing good and you show them appreciation, the more they will want you to catch them doing even more good. Even a simple “What did you do in school today, because I couldn’t see what you did and I want to hear all about it?” can help your children become aware of all the great things they are doing and to notice and tell you about them because they thrive when you “catch” them being good.
And speaking of being good, let us all pause for a moment and remember all the incredible good we have experienced in our beloved country since October 7th.
May we emerge stronger from this extremely difficult time.
Am Yisrael chai.
The author is a licensed clinical psychologist with his own practice in Ra’anana and author of Life journey: exploring relationships – resolving conflicts. She has been writing about psychology for the Jerusalem Post since 2000 and specializes in trauma, grief and loss. [email protected], drbatyaludman.com
