We couldn’t be more different.
If you asked us to list the things we disagree on, you’d have to wait a while. But one thing we’ve both experienced personally – and which has influenced our current work together – is the damaging impact of disrespect on college campuses.
That’s why in 2022 we joined the Dignity Index, which rates language on a scale of ONE to EIGHT. Each point on the scale represents a particular attitude toward the other side, from ONE – which sees no dignity at all in the other side – to EIGHT – which sees dignity in everyone. Recognizing contempt and dignity in language helps us solve problems together – in politics, in families, in the workplace, and in the community. After our first training, we felt empowered to hold politicians, experts, and even friends and family accountable for divisive language.
Over the course of twelve weeks, we evaluated many speeches and began to internalize the principles of dignity. We realized that we too were using language that was full of contempt. The Dignity Index taught us that contempt leads to more contempt, while dignity encourages more dignity. This changed our perspective: dignity quickly became a foundation, essential to our politics, our culture, and our relationships.
Despite our differences, together we founded Students for Dignity, an organization that educates and empowers students to become leaders who change the purpose of public debate from attacking enemies to solving problems. We are an organization that bases its work on the Dignity Index, and we committed to a covenant: “We will show less contempt and treat each other with dignity.” This commitment changed the way we interact with each other by using disagreements as learning opportunities. It reinforced the idea that differences, when approached with dignity, can make us stronger.
Working together on this project has changed the way we see ourselves as Americans and the way we see our fellow Americans. And in honor of the Fourth of Julythwe would like to share four lessons we have learned about dignity and its power to unite us.
Lesson #1: Dignified leadership opens the door to true understanding.
Early on, when we were still getting to know each other, we were faced with the decision of whether to include the word “patriotism” in a slogan our colleagues had used. With the slogan “Dignity: The Foundation of a New Patriotism” on the projector, we sat across the table in a moment of tense silence. We both later admitted that at that moment we were mentally prepared for a fight.
Madeleine said, “Uh-oh, I have to explain why this seemingly innocuous word might offend some students.” Preston said, “Here’s the thing, I’m about to hear a clever explanation of why America is terrible and that if you love our country, you’re a crazy right-wing extremist.”
But those thoughts were quickly replaced by a conversation consisting of requests like, “Tell me where you see the problem” and “Tell me more about why you think the term should be included.”
This conversation was to be the template for dozens of other such conversations between us. It was not always easy to engage with the intention of understanding why the other person has become what they believe. And although we still disagree on a whole range of things, we can truly say that we knowledge each other, we understand each other and we value the insights our differences provide.
This understanding has not only led to a dignified conversation, but also to a budding friendship.
Lesson No. 2: Contempt can be intoxicating – but it is the ultimate democracy killer.
If you know us or have seen our work, you know we talk about the effects of contempt all the time. Let’s take a moment to understand why that is.
Think about a debate you’ve had recently. Or better yet, think about one where you walked away feeling like you won. Did you “raise a conservative”? Or maybe you “busted a liberal”? Notice the invigorating adrenaline that rushes through your mind and body when you feel like you’re fighting for what you believe in against the people you believe are ruining the country.
This is contempt, and it is intoxicating. We know that engaging in it can bring things – money, fame, power, recognition, and a sense of purpose. But it gets us nowhere when our goals are to find solutions, build relationships, and have discussions about our most pressing problems. These things are essential to a healthy democracy, and contempt makes our disagreements unbearable.
If I believe that I am superior to you and that my words are more important than yours, that mindset undermines the essence of a government “of the people, by the people, and for the people.”
There is no greater threat to democracy than contempt.
Lesson #3: There are ways to ensure that language does not lead to arguments.
We are both actively involved in the Dignity Index as a framework for overcoming division, preventing violence and solving problems. This effort requires us to practice what we preach.
We know what you are thinking: Come on, so you’re saying that you never get heated or scornful when you spend all day looking at political issues? That’s impossible.
It’s not always easy to recognize the contempt we display, and we are by no means perfect. The Dignity Index is designed to put contempt in the spotlight. Once you recognize it, it becomes harder to use. The Index also highlights dignity, and has the effect of constantly encouraging us to move up the scale into the dignity range. As the language we use moves up the index and becomes more dignified, we also see an increase in humility, curiosity, authenticity, and the ability to see the good in others.
As we have worked, we have internalized the Index. It is always in the back of our minds, calling us to respond with dignity. This does not mean that we do not stand up for what we believe in, but it prompts us to reflect on our stance and communicate it in a way that avoids insults, moral attacks or labels.
When a conversation gets heated, instead of wallowing in our contempt, we take a deep breath, step back, and maybe even walk away for a while.
Lesson #4: If we want to protect what makes America exceptional, it is critical that we talk about our differences in a dignified and respectful way.
Loving our country means recognizing our most painful moments and learning from them to create a better future for all. And we can only do that if we speak about these moments.
After our work on the Dignity Index, we now see that it is not disagreement that causes our divisions, but contempt. A culture of dignity does not mean that we look for a solution to disagreement, but a rule of conduct. As the co-founders of the Dignity Index, Tim Shriver and Tom Rosshirt, like to say, treating others with dignity does not mean that we abandon our beliefs, but that we add one: everyone should be treated with dignity, without exception.
Contempt is something we all use. And until each of us recognizes that we are part of the problem, we cannot be part of the solution.
Contempt is the enemy of free speech because it leaves others feeling like they cannot speak freely. Dignity invites us to speak and allows us to be heard. As Tom has written, “Only dignity will protect what makes this country so extraordinary: the freedom and public forum that allows us to debate our path to justice.” That’s why dignity should always be our priority.
Now it’s your turn to add dignity to every conversation
We recognize the lofty nature of this vision, replacing our current division with a culture of dignity. Watching the news for five minutes, it seems almost impossible. Yet after traveling the country speaking to communities, city councils, students and businesses about dignity and contempt, we feel inspired and remain hopeful. We have seen a palpable enthusiasm for the concept of dignity. At every event, people are electrified with hope for a solution to this division.
The Dignity Index provides a framework for the solution, but real change comes from the countless people who choose dignity every day. It’s a huge undertaking and a big mountain to climb, but we are steadily moving toward a tipping point in our culture where the use of dignity becomes the standard for our interactions.
We are now champions of dignity because we have seen how it can provide hope, regardless of background or perspective. When we introduced the Dignity Index to thousands of people, we saw incredible changes.
Young people who were initially burdened by cynicism are beginning to see themselves as agents of change. They stand a little taller and are filled with a new sense of empowerment. It’s a reminder that being part of the solution is far more hopeful than feeling at the mercy of the problem.
This week we encourage you to reflect on these lessons, to feel empowered by this framework, and to join us in searching for hope with dignity.
Madeleine Jones is a Dignity Index Field Director and a graduate of the University of Utah. She works with universities and companies to foster meaningful discussions and dialogue with dignity.
Preston Brightwell also serves as Field Director for the Dignity Index, focusing on the application of the Index to problem solving. He is a long-time Salt Lake City native and lives there with his wife.
