And “Dad” said I either have an abortion or I’m out. We’re both in our mid-30s, have great careers, etc. There was no world in which I could have an abortion. I’ve always wanted to be a mother.
I moved back to my hometown to enjoy the love and support of my family. My father’s family stayed in close contact, came to my baby shower and expressed their support.
Our beautiful daughter turns one next week. Dad hasn’t visited her in 11 months, refuses to look at photos of her, and calls me often to berate me for filing for child support. It sucks, but I’m making progress.
Yet Dad’s life doesn’t seem to have changed except for the child support he pays. He still has all of his close friends, he often flies to visit them (and their kids!), and they visit him. All of his college friends (and their kids!) are meeting up at his family vacation home next weekend. It happens to be the weekend after our daughter’s birthday, but he can’t visit her because of his plans with his friends. His parents see him often.
Did they come to meet their grandchild, even though I invited them so many times? No. His sisters FaceTime me and my daughter every week, which is so sweet. And then they go out to dinner with their tardy brother, buy him sake bombs, and post it all on Instagram. They have dinner parties at their house with their friends (and their kids!), and their tardy brother is there, drinking their wine and laughing his head off. And posting it all on Instagram.
I left Instagram!
I don’t really know what I thought was going to happen when he decided not to be involved in his child’s life, but that was definitely not it. I don’t know many disinterested fathers who are 36 years old, well educated, and come from a financially comfortable family.
I know I can’t change anyone but myself. How do I let go of this anger that his friends and family don’t seem to care about his terrible life choices? How do I stop feeling like this is unfair? How?
Anonymous: You leave Instagram, yes. Then wait a little longer than before until this step has the desired effect.
I agree that this was a puzzling and even shocking choice for an educated, wealthy man in his thirties whose biography at the time included a large, close, supportive family, a long-standing, stable romantic relationship, and talks about future children.
And it is a dishonorable decision, as he continues to “swear” at you instead of accepting his legal, moral and parental responsibilities with a minimum of decency.
Therefore, it seems entirely appropriate to feel confused and disgusted.
Will you stop thinking about it until you have a good answer? Will you find peace until his family avoids him? Will you reconsider unaccepted invitations to meet this child’s children?
Would you have preferred your ex to marry you before he ran off for sake bombs and yelled at you about money?
He made his choice. It sucked, but he made it.
Who knows how he and his family really feel about each other, since we only see photos. But they have also made their decisions.
Now you have to proceed with the selection.
The dream child, the move closer to family, the possibility of his family meeting your child – all great. The Instagram feed is quick and clever. Stay tuned: Learn to completely abandon the idea of him as an involved father. If it was ever his idea, you’ll know it. Plus, every minute you waste with him and his family is a minute you’re not spending with your little family.
Plus, he just proved in hindsight that he would have been a terrible father. So, phew.
Your path as a mother is moving forward. Especially when you feel stuck, your path to a supportive environment for your child is a combination of those around you, professional resources (counseling, pediatrician, parent support group, school, etc.), and your own strength. That is, not the person or people who helped you get stalled in the first place.
Your ex and/or his/her family members may approach you over time and show a genuine interest in being involved in your child’s life. You can then decide what to do about it.
And now, please, give your whole heart to your family and not to the one who would have given you a reasonable world. I can’t imagine a better example for your child.
