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Most people mean well and want to be better allies, but they are also people who make mistakes. Hopeful allies are sure to make mistakes along the way to becoming an ally. By definition, allyship requires taking risks for someone else. These risks can lead to an intention-effect conflict, where the actions seemed helpful to the ally but not to the intended recipient.

In today’s climate of cancel culture, the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing as an ally often keeps people from engaging in allyship. Instead of avoiding the work out of fear, potential allies can avoid three key pitfalls:

1. It’s about you
2. Speaking vs. Listening
3. Accept answers

It’s about you

Allies put their egos aside and make the work for others. True allies rarely refer to themselves as allies; they recognize that allies are in the eye of the beholder. Centuries of inequality cannot be solved with quick, short-term measures. Being an ally is a long-term game; it requires patience and selflessness.

To avoid making it all about you as an ally, first consider what support looks like for the other person. It’s less about the golden rule of treating someone the way you want to be treated and more about the platinum rule of treating someone the way She When in doubt, ask, “What does support look like to you?” and be curious to learn from the audience before coming up with your own solutions.

Speaking versus listening

Allies listen more than they speak. They ask curious questions they don’t know the answers to and listen to challenge their existing assumptions. A real test for allies are what bridge expert Monica Guzman calls “I’ve never seen it like this before” moments – small revelations that allies often experience in conversations with people who are different from themselves.

A helpful approach to ensuring active listening as an ally is to think about the conversations you have. What percentage of the time do you spend listening and how much do you spend speaking? In a true ally relationship, listening should be about 60%, while the remaining portion should consist of asking questions with minimal assertions.

Accept answers

Allies know they are not the ones who know how to solve complex systemic problems. Lacking life experience and often the full context of the problem, allies recognize that they must learn before they can help fully solve the problem. Instead of jumping right in with solutions, allies pause and gather information first. They seek out reputable sources and ask trusted friends and colleagues before making recommendations.

In an allyship program I led, one of the well-meaning male allies introduced himself to a group of female leaders he did not know, posing as an ally, and asked them how he could support them. Although he meant well, the women looked at him with bewildered eyes and managed an embarrassed giggle before stammering a “thank you” in response. He did not understand what he had done wrong. If he had been curious and learned more about them before posing as an ally, perhaps this offer would have been better received.

To avoid cancellation, allies must apologize, understand that impact is more important than intent, and take full responsibility for their actions. Being an ally is a bumpy ride. It requires personal risk-taking and courage. The reward is a more inclusive place where all people can thrive and do their best work.