After a break, my mother drove me to the airport and asked if Jane was considering another man. I said firmly, “No,” which I knew was true. We talked for a few more minutes, then my mother repeated, “Does Jane have someone else?” and I said, “NO!” I suppressed the urge to say, “I already answered that question.” There was silence in the car for a few minutes. Then my mother said, “Are you addicted to her not having someone else?”
I lost my composure and screamed, “Arrrrrrgh! If the answer had been yes, I would have said yes, wouldn’t I? Why ask if you don’t believe me?” My mother might have gotten further if she had started with, “I think Jane is seeing someone else because…” instead of provoking me.
Like I said, she still does things like that, so she hasn’t learned anything from that incident. Sometimes I just want to strangle her.
Just say it: That would be much worse than her problem with the recurring questions. Just by the way.
And I wonder what You learned from that incident with your mother. And also from a semester full of antics from Jane.
On the way to the airport, you didn’t just “SAID”: “I’ve already answered that question.” Right? And you didn’t ask, “I hear, Mom, that you want to say something else?”
Instead, you suppressed the urge, then lost your composure and came to the conclusion that the conversation would have been successful if she would have done something differently instead of finding out how your decisions could have changed the outcome.
I understand that you are upset about your mother’s lack of communication skills.
However, you still try to maneuver yourself out of them. And there you will find the answer to your (non-)question about your mother and Jane’s games.
This is good news for several reasons. You are on the right track – no small feat considering your childhood environment. And you know what this misunderstanding style feels like, so your motivation to change it seems solid. And you are the one controlling the response, not your mother/Jane/future Janes, which means there is no more pointless waiting for her to change herself. You change yourself.
The formula: 1. Speak at face value. 2. Take others at face value. 3. At the first sign of sensible Gap, say it: “I understand you are saying, ‘(What you think someone is saying).'” 4. If people don’t respond honestly, calmly back off. (“Okay.” (Shrug.)) Don’t keep trying to change them.
You say your mother is “playing games,” but I suspect she is hiding. Something has taught her that it is not OK to say what she really means. So she has learned to hint, to ask, to nudge, to push, to imply.
Torture, right? For her: all the frustrated waiting for someone to understand her and all the fear of being punished for it. Ouch.
This sounds familiar, I suppose. So break the vicious cycle and learn to maintain your integrity and composure. You, and finally kindly: “SAY IT.”
