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Just click on the first entry to the Global Song Competition in which we found that “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best musical contribution to learning the rules of the game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular baseball season, so Andrew started a distraction contest to…

…determine the best song of all time based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll look at the handful of countries I can point to on a globe and spell correctly – sorry, Kirgustan (no: it was Kyrgyzstan). If you’re wondering why we’re back to A, well… we need the other side of the field of 64, and now states from the good old USA get a chance to play, along with the countries we didn’t include last time. Click here for a better explanation.

*Note: Feel free to strongly disagree with my selections and suggest better songs in the comments. I won’t listen to you and it won’t affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look or sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively appeased.

And now we’re taking a break from learning COBOL, swiping left on Bumble, or whatever you do in your free time. (Don’t ask me what well-adjusted people do, how would I know, I watch reruns of Star Trek and FIBA ​​games between Andorra and Malta.) It’s the return of the All World All Time Best Song Competition as we visit Seward’s Icebox.

I tried to find some Inuit whaling songs, but the first three “traditional” songs I found all had synthesizers and stuff. So I got fed up and gave up, and this is what you get instead.

1) Jewel – Standing Still

Andrew insisted that Jewel be number 1, and she is.

He didn’t tell me which song to pick, though. I don’t like “Foolish Games” and “Who Will Save Your Soul” makes me want to stab myself, so that one wins. And there are some vintage cars in the video to talk about, so we’ve got that going for us.

2) Portugal The Man – Still Feeling It

They have 5x more listeners on Spotify than Jewel and 10x more views on YouTube. It seems only fair that they get 2nd place.

This is another one of those songs that almost everyone has heard before but thinks, “Oh yeah, that’s what it was called.” (See also: Chelsea Dagger, Prayer in C, Song 2, and whatever that awful, awful Blues Traveller song with the harmonica is. No, I don’t care. Worst song of the 90s. Go away.)

I was going to add “Misery” by Soul Asylum, but then I thought someone might confuse it with the Maroon 5 song. But probably not the Beatles one, which only 14 people know, which is a shame. Why are you reading this? Listen to this instead. The Beatles one. Or the Soul Asylum one. Not the Maroon 5 one, why would you put yourself through that?

These guys are performing in Memphis on July 5th, so if you’re in West Tennessee or aren’t afraid to leave the Witness Protection Program (say “Lubbock”), you’ve come to the right place.

3) Vixen – Edge of a Broken Heart

Lead singer Janet Gardner was born in Juneau and we’re just using that as an excuse to squeeze this in here.

Anyway, my goodness, that’s a lot of hairspray. Basically, all I’m saying is, I know one of you has a Buick Grand National or Camaro IROC-Z with T-tops, and you’re going to have to get them out and lend them to me, because that much hair won’t fit anywhere else.

(checks the calendar)

Oh, screw you, Father Time.

Well, let’s see what curiosities from Alaska I can dig up.

4) SunDog – female in a Moomoo

Oh wow, they’ve got the stoner visuals and rock style down pat. Love it! Probably not enough to vote against Vixen’s drummer up there, but it still deserves a lot more than the measly 2,700 views it has.

Wait until the title character shows up and hits the band with an axe. Man, and I thought the people in Moomoos just didn’t want to drive to the office.

Wait, that’s from 2020? Are we allowed to have new music here? I thought Anchor of Gold’s pop culture window expired with the firing of K-Stall. Fine, I’ll add another entry with the nonsense you expect.

5) Hobo Jim – Song from the Iditarod Trail

There we have it. Pure, unfiltered violin and accordion drunkenness, yeehaw, folksy balladeer drunkenness about a dog sled race. He did it, he…

In 1994, Hobo Jim was named Alaska’s official balladeer, an honor on par with being named Anchor of Gold’s most coherent contributor.

Johnny Horton – From North to Alaska

I continue to protest against the disqualification.

*Editor’s note: Parlagi chose the songs for this album (except Jewel, which I forcibly added). I’m not sure why he’s protesting his own decision not to include it…

Potato Pride

We haven’t linked to it in a few months, but this seems like the right thing to do.